


One Breath Too Many Could Burn Us To The Ground

by SophiexHorayne



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: M/M, but also fluff, drabble i guess, i guess, idk what this is ok, it's angsty, like its a semi happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-11 00:48:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16465502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: "If a shooting star darts across the sky above them, then they would be unaware. But regardless, they kiss as though they are wishing. And they wish like it is all they can do. All they know how."Joe and Caspar are hiding behind walls and rules, where feelings can't be touched. But one breath too close to the other- well it could ruin it all.





	One Breath Too Many Could Burn Us To The Ground

They have built around what they have so carefully. And it’s fragile. One simple lean too close to the other, one look that lingers a little too long, one touch a centimetre in the wrong place. It would knock down all that they have built like blowing down a stack of cards. It’s all so precarious. So dangerous and it is so hard. And Joe has worked so hard on remembering when to stop. They both have.

Like they both know that there are topics that they must never touch upon, that they must dance around the whole thing like they’re keeping away from an invisible forcefield. And they both know that they cannot get drunk when it is just them, and even when they are out, Joe tells himself that he must have a limit otherwise he could lose control and one slightly wrong move could cause it all to crumble. They both know not to sleep in the same bed anymore unless there isn’t a choice and unless it would raise suspicion, and in those cases, they have to put pillows between them. And they have to lie with their backs to each other. Because one look could tear it all down. So there are rules that are not once spoken of and never dared to be broken. Because it would ruin everything around them and everything between them and they _can’t_.

 

Except everything is so delicate, almost _too_ delicate. And when Joe watches Caspar and his girlfriend across the room in their apartments, or across the table at a restaurant, he knows that he cannot do this forever. And he knows how close he is to breaking it all and not even caring. He knows that if he got that tiniest bit too close he wouldn’t care if kissing Caspar would bring down an apocalypse. He would do it.

He rarely sees Caspar now. Because of all the paper-thin lines they have drawn and how scared they are of breaking them. But he still misses him like trees miss their leaves in winter. He still misses him like one would miss breathing and it makes his chest ache _just_ the same. So when finally Caspar is round his apartment, with Josh, and Byron he has to sit next to him. Because his heart hurts and he needs Caspar like his lungs need oxygen. And Caspar lets him.

He can feel the walls of sand that keep them from everything starting to bend, starting to dry out and fall to nothing. So he daren’t look at him, when they play fifa and when they watch a movie. And it’s all act-like-everything-is-fine for the whole evening when he just wants to fall onto Caspar’s body and never ever move again. He wants it like he is on fire, and Caspar is the ice that can save him from burning.

So he daren’t turn to him once. Even when Caspar lets their legs press together. Even when Caspar rests his head on his shoulder. He can’t look at him. Because he doesn’t know what he’d do, and really, it’s frightening.

When the movie has finished it’s late. And Josh is asleep, and Byron is dozy. And Caspar’s face is tucked into Joe’s neck, and never has Caspar seemed so small and vulnerable by his side. It seems he is the only one wide awake at all.

Byron rubs his eyes, glances lazily over at Joe as he stretches. He nods to Caspar.

“He out of it?”

It’s scary. Byron staring at the way Caspar leans into him. Like Joe is his lifeline and he will never part from him. But Byron doesn’t point it out at all, maybe because it doesn’t seem unusual behaviour for the two of them, or maybe because it doesn’t seem weird behaviour for friends. And maybe it’s not and Joe just has to overthink everything when Caspar is in a 100 metre radius. And here, now, Caspar is not even a centimetre away. And Joe’s unsure if he is overthinking or not thinking at all. Everything is fuzzy. And he has to glance at him, because Byron is still expecting an answer to his question.

If Caspar is asleep he doesn’t want to wake him. Because from before Joe knows he is clingy when he awakes, and perhaps he will just roll further into Joe like they used to when they were alone. When they thought they could be anything.

He moves his head slowly, shifts himself so slowly to see Caspar. But he knows he is asleep. And he doesn’t really know what to do. If it were just them he’d let it happen. He’d let the sands between them fall to dust on the ground so Caspar doesn’t have to wake. And he’d curl into Caspar himself, and they’d sleep like that, and awake closer than they fell asleep. And that is why they don’t see each other on their own anymore. Because it would be so easy for that to happen. And that is why they got new roommates. So they can never be alone in an apartment together. Not that they spoke of that reason out loud. But it is so blatantly there between the lines that are all just a cover up for what hides beneath.

Finally, Joe looks up at Byron and gives the smallest nod so not to alert Caspar of the movement. “Yeah.” He whispers.

He’s uncertain how to go about this. For he is sitting in the corner of the sofa, Caspar nearer the middle so he doesn’t know how to move away. And he doesn’t know how to easily move Caspar into a comfortable position and Byron is watching his every move. He feels as though a spotlight is upon them both and the audience are questioning if this is breaking point.

“Shall I find them some blankets?” Byron suggests quietly.

Joe is only too happy to hear those words and tries not to nod too hurriedly. Byron walks out the room, and it is just Joe and Caspar, and an asleep Josh the opposite end of the sofa. Joe has to be careful. Because it’s Caspar, and he is afraid of waking him. Because this is as close to alone in one another’s apartments they have got since The Incident 2.0 and he is afraid of ruining everything.

He shifts Caspar slowly. Arm on his back, sort of cradling him as he moves him away, budges up the sofa and letting Caspar’s head fall behind him on the cushions. He removes his arm awkwardly, watches as Caspar subconsciously adjusts himself to the new position. And his hand is close to where Joe has rested his own. And he is the only one in the room awake and he is so cautious, so aware as he nudges his fingertips to touch against Caspar’s.

He can’t do more, and he knows he mustn’t. Just this is enough to feel sparks, a sort of itch to want every part of Caspar close to him. And it’s so powerful, so palpable and awakening. He hears Byron walking down the hall and moves his fingers, feeling empty and nervous and twitchy.

He is standing when Byron enters. Is calm as he takes a blanket from Byron to drape it over Caspar’s body. There’s a lump in his throat. One that is scared because he nearly destroyed it all, and because Caspar destroyed it all for falling asleep on him. And a lump in his throat that is threatening tears because he _wants_ to destroy it all. He wants to set both their worlds on fire.

But he daren’t. He daren’t breathe a moment longer in the room with Caspar and leaves for his room without a glance even at Byron.

For the longest time he lies in bed and cannot sleep. He thinks of Caspar down on the sofa and wonders if he is cold. And if it were just them in the house he would invite Caspar into his bed with him so that Caspar needn’t be cold. And so that neither need be lonely. But he can’t do that. Because of Byron. And because of Josh, who if Caspar is cold, he would be too. He is uncertain what time it is when he realises he doesn’t have a drink at his bedside. And suddenly he is thirsty, and his want to go downstairs, just check on Cas on the way past to the kitchen, grinds on his mind and won’t leave.

So he gets up. It feels like his heart is a little out of place. Or that it is heavier than usual. Or burning a hole inside of him because his chest feels so thick with something he can’t explain. He tries not to look at Caspar because he knows it would be the worst idea, and just walks into the kitchen. Quietly as possible, he opens a cupboard and takes out a glass.

He hears movement on the sofa and prays that it is Josh, so he can feel normal, but finds himself wanting to break down everything because he wants to look up and see Caspar awake.

And he does. He just glances up briefly from the sink and is met with Caspar’s eyes as he sits up on the sofa, blanket wrapped around him. His eyes are so wide they almost speak a thousand different words at once. Joe forces a smile, feels a pang in his stomach because it shouldn’t be so hard to smile at the person everyone sees as your best friend.

“You okay?” Caspar’s words are thick with his accent and the whisper of his tone and it makes Joe feel nearly shaky.

He glances down and finds his cup is overflowing with water from the sink. He turns off the tap, tips out a centimetre of water so it is transportable. Then he looks back at Caspar, nods.

“You?” The word comes out as just above a whisper, and it feels like it scratches at his throat.

Caspar nods once. And for a second Joe just wonders if it is merely Caspar’s Tourette’s, as opposed to a response.

“Can I have some?” He gestures a nod at Joe’s glass.

Hurriedly, Joe goes to the cupboard, grabs a glass and fills it with water. He doesn’t know why something like pouring a drink for a mate is so hard but it feels like all his organs have knotted together and are having some kind of tug of war with his intestines.

He walks over and hands Caspar a glass. He is careful not to let their hands touch. Because it could set them on a collision course they could both do without. He meets Cas’ eyes only for a moment. They’re wide and plead, _stay, stay, stay,_ but Joe ignores it. Looks away. He goes to leave. It is at his third footstep that Caspar speaks.

“Stay here for a bit?”

He should ignore him. Or just turn and say no but the thing is it is hard to do such a thing. Because Caspar’s voice is vulnerable, and hushed and apprehensive. And his accent reels him back in and he is so, so hooked. Joe turns and looks back at him, clutching the water in his hand.

“Are you not comfy? Is it your back? Are you cold?”

Caspar shakes his head. A sofa isn’t a great place to sleep, with his back, and it’s not warm but that is not the problem. Not an all-important one right now.

“We can talk. Wouldn’t it be worse if we couldn’t?”

And that is true because never talking proves that there is something wrong. That something is really super fucking messed up if they cannot sit beside one another and have a normal conversation without their entire world caving. And Joe can’t even care for their unspoken rules all of sudden, and if this is a rule, he cannot recall it. So he walks back over, places his water right next to Cas’ on the coffee table, and sits next to him, so that there is a gap but not one that would make one suspicious.

But Joe cannot look at him. At least not for the first few moments. He stares at his own legs, pokes at his skin. He’s wearing an oversized t-shirt. It isn’t one of Caspar’s but he may have ordered it in Caspar’s size on purpose. Maybe.

“Did I fall asleep on you?” Caspar asks eventually. They both know the answer. But it’s something. It starts some sort of conversation. But it doesn’t end the tension.

Joe nods. Glances his way and smiles. “Yeah.”

“Sorry about that, I know my head’s a weird shape and I don’t really fit… on your shoulder.”

Joe shakes his head. Looking at Caspar in the dark is like staring at a starry night sky. And its fucking breath taking. And it holds Joe’s gaze because every star in the sky is perfection and it has to be remembered. Every little part of Caspar’s face, a star to remember and keep in his mind for the rest of forever.

“It’s fine. Hope my skinny shoulder was comfortable?”

“Enough for me to fall asleep on.” Caspar replies. It makes Joe’s breath hitch. The words, his accent, the way he bites his lip after speaking. Maybe everything about him. No matter what Joe feels breathless.

“I think there’s meant to be meteors tonight.” Caspar says eventually.

“Huh?” It’s nothing Joe expected him to say. So random and nothing to do with any part of their conversation.

“Let’s go see.” Caspar tosses his blanket behind him. And he walks past Joe to go over to the back door. And his legs, still in jeans, brush against Joe’s bare ones. And well, Joe swears he cannot breathe in that moment.

He follows Caspar to the door. He knows he shouldn’t. Because the two of them out in Joe’s little garden area together is like the two of them alone together. And he knows that is definitely breaking a rule. And yet Caspar has him. Has him following his every movement, hanging onto his every breath and every goofy little smile and it’s something Joe can’t help. And it’s okay because Josh is asleep and Byron is asleep and it is just going to be them, watching the stars. Just them beneath the whole of the sky.

He lets his feet touch his fake grass, spiking and tickling beneath his toes. Lets the cool air cut around his bare legs. Allows a quick look at Caspar, hands in pockets, staring up at the sky expectantly.

“You sure about the meteor thing?” Joe asks. He steps closer. Because he feels that he can. That it is fine and he is in perfect control. He is sober, and that means he knows how to stop, how to move away if he thinks it is too far.

Caspar looks down at him. The moonlight makes Caspar look like an angel, like he is fucking glowing and his blonde hair is the halo. He grins.

“I’m sure. There’ll be shooting stars and we can wish for anything.” He adds softly.

Joe swallows, looks up at the sky too. Because he wants that wish. He does.

“What would you wish for?” He asks eventually. And Caspar snaps his head down at him, so Joe looks away from the sky too.

They’re terrifyingly close. Joe can’t even remember the last time they were this close since The Incident 2.0 and he thinks his heart is wedged in his throat. And it’s beating so loudly and so quickly. And he said that if he were sober he wouldn’t lose control, and he knows how to stop, how to move away if he thinks it is too far but now he knows that was wrong.

Because Caspar is inescapable. Everything that Caspar makes him feel, heavy and loud inside is impossible to run from because every inch of his body feels it. And every inch of his body wants it- him. And every part of him thinks to run would be stupid. When Caspar is right there, staring down as if he is the shooting star in which to wish upon.

“Do you think I should say it out loud?” He asks. And then his hand is resting lightly on Joe’s right shoulder, thumb pressing lightly against his collar bone. And it’s like that single move is Caspar saying everything out loud anyway.

Hesitantly, Joe shakes his head. “Might not come true if you tell me what it is.” He replies. Even though he knows what it is and _fuck_ it’s what he would wish for too. But he can’t hear it out loud because it makes everything so real. And unavoidable. And it would make it impossible to pretend that this doesn’t exist. Knowing what Caspar would wish for would destroy everything. The wish would flood their world like a tsunami. And no one would survive because it is so huge and powerful and too much for either of them to hold back.

“Right.” And Caspar agrees on everything that Joe is thinking like he can read his mind.

They just look at each other. Joe doesn’t want to. Knows he can’t but Caspar looks so desperate. For something. Anything from him. And he daren’t take his eyes away even to blink because he doesn’t dare miss a moment of Caspar looking at him this way. As though he might never see him again.

He wants to kiss him.

So badly because they have become so close they are nearly pressed against each other even though Joe swears neither of them moved at all. And Caspar’s leaned down without noticing too, enough for Joe to feel his breath and it makes him lose every single sense, makes his mind go out like a switch has been tripped. He can think of nothing.

It’s going to be The Incident 3.0 and he doesn’t think it can be possible at all to recover from after. But the past couple of years it feels like he hasn’t breathed once around Caspar Lee and now he can exhale against him like he is sighing. Like he is relieved because he feels as though home.

Their noses brush. The touch makes joe feel weird. Like he is going insane. And he can’t take it anymore so he tips his head up. He lets their lips touch.

If a shooting star darts across the sky above them, then they would be unaware. But regardless, they kiss as though they are wishing. And they wish like it is all they can do. All they know how.

Until Joe knows they can’t. His lips sparkle like the simmer of a fire when he pulls away. And his arms are around Caspar’s neck and his legs are sort of weaved between Caspar’s. And he is on tiptoes. And his toes feel frozen but the loss of feeling in them goes unnoticed due to the loss of feeling everywhere else, in his stomach, chest, throat, on his shoulder and neck where Caspar’s hand lies, on his lips where Caspar’s mouth has lied.

They’re still so close. And Joe doesn’t want to move away for a moment, but he must. He drops his hands and sets his feet back solidly on the ground. And they are close but not breathlessly so.

“We can’t.”

And fuck it’s just what he said after 2.0. Lying against one another, Caspar atop him on Joe’s sofa. It’s what told them they must never be in the same house together alone. Because they _can’t_. And it is the reason why Josh moved in with Caspar and why Byron moved in with Joe and why Caspar chose to move further from him when choosing his new apartment. So this could never happen again.

But all it took is two seconds, in a backyard barely 4x2 metres, under a sky that feels strangely magical, and all is left in destruction.

Joe steps a little further away. Because this close to Caspar, his mind doesn’t work. And he inhales the cool air and he feels the way it numbs his legs and it’s so wrong. He looks over. At him. And he just stands there. Hands in his pockets, watching him like he has no clue what to do.

And Joe doesn’t know what to do either so he just repeats himself. “We can’t.”

For a while Caspar says nothing. Then slowly, he nods, “Right.” He walks lazily over to the door, opens it slowly, a mild fear of waking Josh resting in the back of his mind.

“So we’re not going to talk about?”

“Have we ever, talked about it, all the other times?”

“No but- it was different then. Before we- before there was just us- it-, there was no one else involved.”

“So it’s only worth talking about when I’m cheating on someone?”

“No.” Joe stumbles over his words because he’s unsure what they are even in his head. “But don’t you think we need to?”

Caspar steps back out onto the grass. But he doesn’t close the door. He whispers, “What are we supposed to say, Joe? We both know it already.”

Joe looks at him. His heart just thumps. “And we _know_ the rules. And we’ve broken them too many times because we never spoke of them. So we should talk about it this time. Or we’ll just break everything all over again.”

“All these rules? Joe, they were never real. They were stupid and pointless and we broke them _all_ the time and we acted as if we did nothing.”

“We just, need to fix them. So that they can’t be broken, Cas I don’t know I-“

“Well then I may as well go because, apparently, we can’t be in the same house for two minutes without something going fucking wrong.”

He turns to go back inside. He’d even stopped whispering then, and Joe feels a sudden panic that they could have woken Josh. And he has this panic about Caspar walking away and he doesn’t want him to walk away anymore. He grabs his arm, pulling him back. Caspar barely knows what’s happening until Joe is kissing him. And once he’s realised he’s too surprised to pull away. Too helpless to.

Joe pulls him against him, and then stumbles and pushes him back against the wall by the door. And they’re just kissing. Like that. Both just letting it happen. It feels like they have been hiding from this for months, years now probably, and it’s too hard to stop it. Hands are just everywhere. Like they’re seeing if everything is the same or if they have changed at all. And Joe’s never kissed anyone so desperately. It’s a mess. But it makes his legs weak and his fingers tingle. And he no longer cares about breathing. Caspar is like his oxygen.

Somehow Caspar finds his control. Takes a gasping breath as he pushes Joe away. Only slightly. Still so their hands keep touching, and their breaths are felt by both of them.

“What are we supposed to do now?” Caspar asks, breathless. Joe looks up at him and wonders how Caspar’s hair got in such a mess, and yet is still beautiful. Completely irresistible.

“Come to bed with me? Just to sleep because I- I fucking miss you holding me and it’s been _years_ fucking _years_ and please I need you close to me.” He is shaking, now. And he grips Caspar’s clothes so much just to keep him from falling. And just to keep Caspar close.

“Aren’t you worried about the others?” Caspar asks quietly. His eyes seem to shine silver under starlight. And _god_ he’s completely, utterly perfect.

“We can say your back was hurting. It can’t be much of a lie and they wouldn’t find it weird, you know they wouldn’t. And we can talk properly in the morning but right now I just need- _please._ ”

As if Caspar could ever say no it almost feels as if Joe is going to break beneath his touch if he denies him this one night side by side. And he doesn’t even want to say no either. The fact is the thought of lying next to Joe is just as imperative for him and he cannot stand the idea of spending the rest of the night on the sofa so he has to agree, with a cold, and numbing kiss against Joe’s lips that leaves them both feeling as though they are within ruins that once built a palace.

They’ve broken every fucking rule by now. Besides the drunk thing but that’s worse. They didn’t even need to be drunk to break every single rule in the book. But somehow, Joe feels it more of a relief than a negative. Like escaping a cage. He feels so fucking free it’s like suddenly breathing fresh air again.

They stumble back inside and close the back door as quietly as they can. And they patter across the living room, glancing cautiously back at Josh often to ensure he is still asleep. And they creep up the stairs like children on a sleepover. And then they’re in Joe’s room. Caspar kisses him again. And again. And they fall onto the bed and Joe feels like his world is spinning.

Giddy, light headed and out of breath, they fall asleep against each other, bodies close and legs intertwining. There is so much in ruins around them, but Joe isn’t even bothered. It is like they have broken out of a cold war. They’re free now. Even though there is still so far to go, so much mess to sweep under the rug, the world is suddenly so much clearer. And falling asleep has never been so easy.

As they sleep a shooting star courses above the apartment, above the bedroom. And neither wish out loud but the message is so clear. Joe inhales against Caspar’s shoulder as they both sleep. The wish shall be granted.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, I started this a while ago, basically because I had this head canon that they're walking around on eggshells in fear of falling apart or whatever, and I threw in some metaphors and hey presto, a thing, I think. Idk it was fun to write, and I hoped you liked reading this. I shall hopefully update Tourette's soon, and I have a bunch of unfinished fics I just, feel weird posting Jaspar now?? Idk I'm just hyper aware they're real people and idk if it's right anymore??? But I still find them the easiest to write with so I have no clue what I'm doing anymore lol
> 
> Anyway that was a rant I'm in a weird mood, I just hoped you enjoyed this (the tag is dead and it needed something). I love you all xxx


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